Why We Put Everyone First & End Up Feeling Last

Let’s be honest. You’re probably the one who remembers the birthdays, organises the catch-ups, senses the tension in the room and quietly smooths it over.

You’re brilliant at caring for others – instinctively, generously. You feel their needs almost before they do. But then…there’s that quiet moment when you’re having a proper rubbish week and the phone stays silent. And you find yourself wondering: How did I end up always being the giver?

Why Our Brains Get Stuck in “Helper Mode”

Turns out, it’s not just “being nice” – there’s actually brain science behind this. If you’re a natural giver, your mind might literally be wired to put others first.

The “Good Girl/ Good Boy” Brain Circuit

Remember that feeling you got as a kid when a teacher praised you for being helpful? That was your brain releasing dopamine – a feel-good chemical. Fast forward to now: every time you get a “thank you” or avoid an argument by going along with others, that same reward system lights up. You’re basically training your brain to find comfort in putting others first.

Feeling Their Feels – Literally

Ever notice you physically feel tense when someone else is stressed? That’s your mirror neurons – special brain cells that make you experience others’ emotions almost as your own. Brilliant for empathy, exhausting for daily life. No wonder your friend’s urgent problem feels more pressing than your own need.

Why Speaking Up Feels Like Danger

For many of us, saying “Actually, I’d rather…” triggers a tiny alarm in the brain’s threat centre. If you learned early on that your needs caused trouble or were dismissed, your nervous system might still treat self-advocacy as risky business – even when you’re perfectly safe.

The “I Can Wait” Trap (And How to Step Out of It)
We’ve all said it: “It’s fine, I can wait.” About the last biscuit, the better seat, our turn to choose the film, our need for support.

But every time we think “I can wait,” we’re quietly telling ourselves: Your needs are flexible. Your time matters less. You can be inconvenienced.

And worse- we’re teaching everyone around us the same lesson.

Try This Instead: The “Pause & Check”

Next time you hear yourself thinking “I can wait”:

1.        Pause for just five seconds (it’s enough time for your logical brain to catch up with your automatic one)

2.        Ask yourself: “What do I actually fancy right now?” (not what’s easiest or most helpful)

3.        Then decide – not what you should do, but what you’d like to do

It feels awkward at first. Like you’re being a bit selfish. But you’re not—you’re just including yourself in the equation.

Small Ways to Start Putting Yourself in the Picture

You don’t need grand gestures. Start with what my mum would call “making your presence felt” in tiny ways:

At the café

Old you: “Whatever you’re having is fine.”

New you: “Ooh, I fancy a proper flat white today.”

Making plans

Old you: “Whenever works for you!”

New you: “Thursdays are better for me actually.”

When someone needs help

Old you: “I’ll drop everything.”

New you: “I can help after I’ve finished this bit – give me half an hour?”

The goal isn’t to become difficult. It’s to become visible. To show up as a person with preferences, not just a helper without needs.

Why This Actually Helps Your Relationships

Here’s the funny thing: when you never express needs, you’re robbing people of the chance to care for you properly. You’re keeping connections surface-level without meaning to.

Letting someone accommodate you isn’t being needy—it’s letting them participate. It turns a one-way street into a proper two-way relationship.

And for those few who only want you for what you can do for them? Well, they’ll probably drift away. And that’s not a loss—it’s making space.

A Softer Way Forward

You don’t have to choose between being everyone’s rock and becoming a hermit. There’s a middle path where your caring nature gets to coexist with your own needs.

Start small. Tomorrow, state one tiny preference. Choose the seat you want on the train. Pick the podcast for the drive. Ask for the help you need with a work thing.

Notice what happens. The sky won’t fall. Someone might even smile and say, “Yeah, good idea.”

That’s the beginning of something new— where you belong to yourself and to others at the same time. Not as a martyr, but as a proper participant in your own life.

Fancy Exploring More? A Possible Series…

If this landed with you, I was thinking of exploring this whole “finding balance” thing more:

1.        Spotting Your Patterns Without Judgement. How to notice when you’re automatically putting others first (and where it might have started).

2.        “I Can Wait” & Other Stories We Tell Ourselves. Gently unpacking those automatic thoughts that keep us stuck.

3.        How to Ask For What You Need (Without the Cringe). Real scripts for real life — from work chats to family Sundays.

4.        When Relationships Need Gentle Resetting. How to change dynamics with people who’ve only ever known you as “the giver.”

5.        Remembering What You Actually Enjoy. Rediscovering what you actually enjoy when you’re not busy accommodating everyone else.

6.        Keeping Your Balance (Without It Feeling Like Hard Work). How to make these changes stick without feeling like you’re being “selfish.”

I’d love to hear from you— does any of this feel familiar? What’s one small, kind thing you could do for yourself this week? No need for grand gestures— just a gentle act of noticing what you actually fancy. Put the kettle on, have a think, and remember: you deserve a seat at your own table too.